SCarLett... 红儿。。。

sooo, today I inadvertently made Alissa cry, apparently becos I was being dismissive about doing something with the medical students today, and I did not even realise it until Karen told me about it during supervision... anyway, now I have to go apologise and be mindful about how I go about saying things... work-wise, it has been so boring becos for some really strange reason, our ward has so many empty beds and there is no patients to see, so I am like struggling to find things to do other than working on some QI stuff, readings and doing stats... 

Alex and I are going ok I guess, met up in the city for dinner last weekend, then hung out around darling harbour, it was freezing cold that day though... and we met for dinner near work as well on monday... we are still at stage 1 and I don't know if I will ever be ready to progress onto stage 2... sometimes I feel undecided as to whether I made the right decision to contact him again after we first broke up... and he again told me he thinks he loves me... I dunno... I am so freaking indecisive I annoy even myself... urgghh... 

Good News!!! Pongie got offered a permanent full time job at North Connex jobsite, as a junior accountant... woohooo... hopefully this job will turn out well... and which means I get to buy a new car, which I did, and it's my long-desired mazda 3, in the red... and pongie has named it Scarlett :) it will be ready on monday... woohoo...

WiSE DeciSiON??

sooo, after officially breaking up over the phone on 15th June, we started messaging each other periodically after that, very platonic... and then on the weekend, I decided to register myself on this other online dating website called Plenty of Fish, yeah, the name really does not sound pleasant at all, anyway... for some reason, most guys on the website are of course either weird or label themselves as 'adventurous' and 'outdoor loving'... which is the total opposite of me... and so I did that for 2 days, and the whole time, I find myself thinking of Alex, I am such a hypocrite and pongie is right, I am so indecisive... anyway, and then on sunday it was pouring with rain but we had already planned to meet up with Euodia and her friends for karaoke in the city... we had fun in general, the only downside was the pouring rain, after karaoke, pongie and I decided to check out this new Japanese restaurant at TGV, was disappointed with the food actually, and it was alittle expensive as well... anyway, I decided to call Alex after work on Monday and we had a good chat after 2 weeks... I was sooo nervous about calling, that I actually sat in Hyungie for like 10mins trying to decide if I was actually doing the right thing... and what would happen if he tells me he has already moved on... anyway, turns out he has not, well, that's what he says anyway... and he kept saying things like he has not thought of moving on, that he still looks forward to receiving my messages and he hinted that he would wait... and I think I decided then and there that I am not going to listen to what Buddha is saying and forge forward with having a relationship with Alex this time around... and see where it goes, cos I don't want to have regrets and I kept thinking that we have so much unfinished business... well, for better or worse, I made the decision and if things go bad again, then I have no one to blame but myself... and I deleted my POF profile after 2 days... anyway, I then decided today that I will ask him out... cos I figured why waste time right, if I have already decided to continue... I know people around me will not be happy with my decision but I am going to stick to it... anyway, we decided to meet up in the city on sat, so hopefully this time, it will turn out better than our last disastrous planned hunter valley non event... he even threw away the selfie stick after I cancelled on him cos he thought he no longer had use for it... 

anyway, uni wise, got back my 1st assignment, and surprisingly, I did very well, I was not expecting it at all... I really had no idea what I was doing at that stage, but I am so very glad that all the hard work, sweat and tears worked out well in the end, now crossing my fingers and toes that the second more important assignment also did well...

15th June 2016...

After stressing about it for the last 3 days, our breakup phone call only lasted less than 5 minutes... he hates me... it is all my fault, so no one to blame but myself... and I learnt something from him, don't say sorry, it's like a pat on the head...

27th April- 12th June 2016...

1.5 months and 3 dates later... I broke up with Alex. Real good timing as well, the night before we were meant to go on our first roadtrip together to the hunter valley. Had a good cry last night, and with my period combined, yup, did not really sleep well at all... To be honest, I feel like I have hurt him more by suddenly telling him this becos I knew how excited he was to go on this roadtrip... and to be really honest, the following reasons were why I decided that he was not the one for me even though I really like the feeling of him liking me more...

1. I am indeed racist despite how much I said I was not;

2. I am superficial;

3. Nobody who knew of us in the family approved and mum even showed me the signs she got from praying to say that this was not a good match, and from then on, I started doubting myself and having second thoughts about us;

4. He was getting a little too "clingy" for my liking;

I am such a liar and a scammer, just like what his impression of me was in the beginning... I kept telling him to be honest with me, and in the end, it was me who was not being honest... Fran et al all said this was a good thing and that I don't drag on if I feel he was not right for me. Fran even said not to change my mind cos it won't end well, based on her previous experience.

God, now that the damn semester is over, and I am really worried about passing this module, cos there is NO FREAKING WAY I would want to redo this module again EVER... don't really know what to do with myself... reading my books used to fill me with anticipation but now the mood is just not there anymore... and it's now back to my usual boring routine of work and home and back to work again...

喜欢或者习惯。。。友情或者爱情。。。

sooo, we spent our 1 month anniversary having dinner at grilled at penrith westfield, the food was not great though, and he gave me roses and a card, which was pretty sweet, and we just hugged platonically, he kissed me on the cheek and held hands... so far so good, we decided that we are going to forge ahead and work on this relationship together... so far, I have told, pongie, prisy, huimin, fran and jo, and mum, and mum's reaction was the most surprising, she actually did not even ask much details and just said to go for it... yeah, weird... so really, only mum is on my side at this stage... 

the other stressful thing which happened over the weekend was my assignment, realised at the last minute that I was on the wrong track all along and had to pretty much redo most of the work, stayed up late to work on it on friday, and then all of saturday, and seriously there was a point in time I felt like throwing up... even had to work on it during our hunter valley roadtrip...

really had a good time at hunter valley, the weather was great, had my massage which I really needed... did not visit as many wineries this time becos I had to work on the assignment... had lunch at harrigan's pub which was really crowded... and the accomodation at the pub was pretty ok as well, nothing fancy but quite spacious... 

so now I just have to get through the next 2 weeks with my last assignment for this module and cross my fingers and toes that I will pass the module... that's all I want, just to pass this module so I won't have to do it again... 

oh and I made another new asian friend/colleague called Euodia today, as in we had lunch together, she is from Malaysia but obviously has been here for awhile, but we clicked pretty well, similar interests... wish she could stay at Nepean... which made me think of my ex-friend Elisha, who appears to have disappeared from the earth...